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Preview OPINIONS NEEDED by ~indieXchick13:iconindieXchick13:



The rain slashed at the windows, as the winds howled a great note. The storm sirens screamed, only to be drowned out by the storm. But all was calm in one tiny house, in one tiny room, in one tiny bed. Calm was the mind of one, silently dreaming of brighter, happier times. A small trace of a smile left upturned at the corner of a not so innocent pair of lips. Lips that caressed a line of teeth that only braces could manage to perfect. A crash of thunder Shook the storm window's violently. Her knees bend and feet kick, pushing herself over on on her stomach away from the noise. Her smile fade irritated by the interruption. Hands rearange the blankets around the still unconscious body. Then all is still in the tiny house again, as sirens blare on.

Outside the trees' branches strain against the pull of the wind, violently thrashing around, threatening to snap and to be carried off. Varying levels of debris fly in all directions, unsure of the way the wind was acually blowing. The clouds continue to dump water and the gutters over flow with rain. Another flash illuminates the sky, The clouds churn in a dangorous tango and the tremor that follows the thunder shakes the foundations of the neighborhood. I could hear the windows of the house next to this one shatter from her bedroom.

The crack of the tree branch was not hard to hear over the sound of the rain, It was flying towards the house. Panic washed over me, I had to do something. She didn't even know it was happening. I dash to the bed. I don't know her name  So I shake her, screaming for her to wake up. Her eye's fly open with surprise, as the tree crashes through her bay window. She dives to the corner of the empty room The sirens now apparent though the broken window. Another flash of lightning shows the funnel cloud forming off the horizion. She haphazardly grabs for a pair of jeans as she sprints to the bathroom, throwing the door shut she dive's into the tub. Still she remebers the voice that woke her, nowhere to be found.
©2008-2009 ~indieXchick13
:iconindiexchick13:

Author's Comments

Another new project, It's called DreamCatcher. It's only the first page's second draft out of probably 30. (lol) I wanted to see if it was interesting so far....


sorry if there are any typo's I'm coppying this from my laptop and it has started storming pretty bad, so I'm typing super speed before anything happens to the comp lol


funny I hope I didn't jinx it lol

based off a storm we had saturday

Comments


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:iconjobii:
Hmmm...I like it. ^^
Just a couple things I noted...(of course you have to go back and re-read to catch the grammer and spelling mistakes, so we'll just skip over that) was that you begin to get descriptive, like "the rain slashed at the windows", but then you go and say "varying bits of debris". Descriibe it. :P What is swirling around outside? If you can capture the movement of the items outside it helps expand the readers mind on what exactly is happening.

Also. (This could very well be my own opinion XD;) The sentence, "Outside the trees' branches strain against the pull of the wind, violently thrashing around..." is good, but the word "around" lessens the intense feeling of the sentence, if you know what I mean. You could use other words than that to get across the danger of the storm. Maybe I'm just biased against it idk XD;

Another thing. (I hope you don't mind me disecting this XD, you said you needed opinions ^^;) The second sentence has the word storm in it twice, so you might want to change one of them O: When describing things, try to use as mannnnny different describing words as possible :3 Remember, there can never be enough of description :P The last half of the last paragraph also seemed incredibly rushed. It goes from describing the storm in detail to someone diving off the bed. Usually when ppl just wake up, its unlikely that they would have the instinct and competence to do such a thing. So its a bit unrealistic.

BUT. other than that. I really diiid like it. I thought it was interesting. I love storms, and the title DreamCatcher intrigues me. Your descriptive ability is there, unlike some people's stuff I've read and seen, so all I think you honestly need to do is....WRITE MORE. :P You only get better w/ practice. :33 Hehe.

But I did like it. =] I saw that you posted opinions needed, so I made sure to mark it down that I wanted to look at it at some point. And I finally got the chance. I decided to be honest w/ my opinions because how else can you grow, right?

You have the potential to go somewhere w/ it. So go for it foo :PP :heart:
Again, I hope you don't mind that I picked it apart ^^;

--
Avatar by cats-aint-waterproof yo :P
Be jealous :heart:
:iconindiexchick13:
Thank you sooooooo much :D that is exactly what I needed. A real honest opinion. I really needed something like this, I wanted to know what was wrong with it. You have wonderful insight when it comes to details, so I was hoping you would comment :hug:

--
Stealing other's work is like a hickey you give your self : it doesn't count.


:blackrose: Sabina
:iconjobii:
Muahah. :3 I'm just glad you didn't get mad XD; I was like oh damn what if shes like....omg whhyyyy? aslkjdak!
But woot. =]
I figureed. I hope I said something useful XD;

--
Avatar by cats-aint-waterproof yo :P
Be jealous :heart:
:iconindiexchick13:
haha Nah I wouldn't get mad. Sure I always put my heart and soul into everything I do so if it can be improved then I want to hear about it. how else am I suppposed to grow as a writer.

--
Stealing other's work is like a hickey you give your self : it doesn't count.


:blackrose: Sabina
:iconjobii:
This is true. =] I wouldnt be annnnywhere if ppl didnt point stuff out to me XD; Sometimes all you need is a lil nudge. :3 Hehe :hug:

You're great, tho.
Honest :)

--
Avatar by cats-aint-waterproof yo :P
Be jealous :heart:
:iconindiexchick13:
:hug: thank you :D

--
Stealing other's work is like a hickey you give your self : it doesn't count.


:blackrose: Sabina
:iconjobii:
Welcomee ^_^

--
Avatar by cats-aint-waterproof yo :P
Be jealous :heart:
:iconindiexchick13:
:D

--
Stealing other's work is like a hickey you give your self : it doesn't count.


:blackrose: Sabina

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June 9, 2008
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